disclaimer, when i say all this shit i really mean like the greater internet as a whole and for the most part not NG!!! the community here is wonderful and that's why im generally comfortable talking about this :P im also very high oops

i dont know if others have felt the same in general but like i (practically) have not found a single space on the internet that has not been like chronically gate-keepy or downright unwelcoming. personally i dont really understand why? like maybe it's just a tight knit group of people posting on the internet or what but generally speaking, outside of NG i haven't found a community where i feel connected or appreciated nearly as much as anyone else.

Is it because of my art? like sure, my art isn't the best - my proportions are strange, and generally a lot of my pieces look really similar or the same or whatever but i genuinely try just as hard as any other person. hell sometimes i'm even proud of my stuff and it gets NO attention. this is absolutely not to say that i should get attention over other people, or anything like that- it's just that after like a decade of being on the internet and trying to be in communities like everyone else but being rejected and left to myself again and again and again, it's just really, really tiring...

i've had a lot of people tell me that i should just make art for me and nobody else, but when you're constantly going so under the radar, and never being praised or complimented or literally just a shred of appreciation from anyone while you sit around and watch your friends succeed is frustrating at the very least. normally i keep it bottled down and i dont think i'll ever really talk about this again :,P

i tbh just will forever feel like one of those people that was always meant to fail, that was made to just do something to maybe keep sane and just be a follower forever, to be a observer and not a doer. is that too much? am I too much? this is just like a really deep personal struggle and i don't really know if i'm alone in this or not? i need to join a losers club or smth.